I haven't posted about my blood sister much in the past. But here lately, I've thought about her a great deal. She is only 15 years of age. I know that she is ok. I just can't help but think that she isn't getting brought up properly. She bounces from home to home in our family. It seems no one wants to deal with her. She isn't even a bad kid. She is a straight A student and she has a good heart. She doesn't get into trouble.

I guess my trouble is, I'm her big sister. I'm not there. She lives in West Virginia. We have the same dad but not the same mothers. But if I get things started, I'm going to have her move out here with me. I know at least I would be able to show her the way you are supposed to live... not that she is bad like I say. I am just meaning there are things in life that a person needs to know how to deal with or at least have someone that loves you and cares for you to help you with or through.

And there is the fact, I miss her. I can remember taking care of her when she was a baby. She was like my daughter. I still call her my baby. She is! The only baby I got. Now she is a little more grown and moving ahead with her life. I just want to ensure her safety and the love she needs to know.

I don't know, I guess this is just something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I love my sister, she is a wonderful person and I'd like to make sure she stays that way and doesn't get thrown or tossed aside by people in our lives.

I have been  in a different state of mind here lately. I've been mostly ok though.

I don't know life has kinda started to just pass me by. I don't feel like I'm living in it anymore just waiting for it to end.

I have been writing off and on though. I've been caught up in my own personal world.

In this world though, I've got major stresses and concerns. I am lacking the finances to do a proper Christmas. There is also issue with the car and it will take a big amount of money to fix that I don't have right now. SO, money money money money....... majority of all evil!

So, I escape.... I escape to my world, where I don't hurt for or want for anything. I have what I need and I'm happy.

I have found that true understanding is hard to come by these days. It is sad really.
I wish it wasn't true, but it is. It is rare that you find someone that understands the
meaning of "understanding" someone that accepts you for who and what you are
no questions asked.

Luckily, I do have a husband that is understanding. He accepts me and my flaws.
But why can't the rest of the people in my life do that? I suppose my mum does
as well, but others do not.

Weird that I am surrounded by people on a daily basis and yet, I'm always left
feeling so alone and so tragic. Why? I don't know. It is just the way I feel. I feel
like I constantly complain about that. Like when I write or type or speak the lone-
liness comes spewing forth from me like a raging river. I feel judged by this. Like
I somehow shouldn't feel this way! Everyone else seems to go about their daily
activities and plans... they are happy-ish. Or seem to be. Me, no. I don't know
why. I just know it is.

I am sorry if this all sounds like ramblings of an incoherent mumbler, but this is me
right now.......

I am once again up until 5:30am!
Goodnight Xangan Friends.